When Positivity Turns Poisonous: A Coach’s Reckoning with Toxic Positivity

I’ve been a coach formally for three years, but honestly? I’ve been a coach all my life. And for much of that life, my coaching style has been... toxically positive. I didn’t realize it at first. I thought I was being encouraging, uplifting, the bringer of light in dark spaces. And I was. But I was also skipping something sacred: the truth of what people were actually saying to me.

It took therapy, community, and a few hard mirror moments to realize that what I called helping was sometimes just avoiding. I was avoiding my own discomfort — afraid to get too close to someone else’s pain because I didn’t want to get pulled back into my own. So, I went straight to the bright side. Fast.

“Let’s reframe it.”
“Look at the good in this.”
“You’re strong — you’ll get through it.”

All of which sound lovely. All of which can also be quietly dismissive. Because while I was trying to shine light, I was sometimes ignoring the dark that deserved to be seen, acknowledged, and honored first.

💭 What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is when we overemphasize optimism and downplay pain. It’s the “good vibes only” energy that tells people to “keep your chin up” when maybe they actually need to sit with their chin down for a minute, just to process, to grieve, to breathe.

And coaches? Whew. Lord knows we can be some of the worst offenders.

Not because we mean harm, but because we love possibility. We believe in better. But that belief can slip into emotional bypassing if we’re not careful and if we rush our clients toward the sunshine without letting them describe what the rain feels like.

💬 When “Motivation” Misses the Mark

One of my clients, a recent graduate, speaks five languages. Five.
She once told me she struggles with interviews because of her “language barrier.”

Now, I can understand her perfectly. I find her brilliant. So my instinct was to soothe:

“Don’t worry! You sound great. Just slow down. You’ve got this.”

That was positive, yes —but not practical.

I had to stop and listen more deeply. I realized she didn’t need me to deny her challenge; she needed me to reframe it. She doesn’t have a “language barrier.” She has language talent. She’s a linguistic powerhouse who’s still refining one of her five languages. That’s not a deficit, that’s mastery in progress.

So instead of denying her reality, we named it and then reframed it. That’s the difference between toxic positivity and empowered realism.

We’re still waiting to hear back about that role, but let me tell you, she’s going to land something amazing. And that’s not toxic positivity talking. That’s confidence rooted in truth.

🌿 Why Coaches Slip into Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity doesn’t come from malice. It usually comes from fear; fear of discomfort, fear of sadness, fear of not knowing how to “fix it.”

But real coaching isn’t about fixing. It’s about witnessing, reflecting, and guiding.

You cannot be strategic if you are not listening.
You cannot motivate if you are not attuned.
You cannot support if you are not seeing what’s real.

Positivity has its place: it’s warmth, hope, light. But like sunlight, too much without shade can burn.

🌱 How to Move Away from Toxic Positivity (Without Losing Your Spark)

Here are a few ways to stay grounded in empathy, realism, and true encouragement:

1. Pause Before You Pep Talk

When someone shares something heavy, resist the urge to immediately uplift.
Ask: “Would you like me to just listen right now, or would you like to talk about next steps?”
That simple question gives your client agency and gives you clarity.

2. Replace “At Least” with “I Hear”

Instead of: “At least you got the interview!”
Try: “I can see that was disappointing after all your effort.”
Validation doesn’t derail coaching, it deepens it.

3. Check Your Motivation to Motivate

Before you offer encouragement, pause and ask:

“Am I saying this to make them feel better, or to make myself less uncomfortable?”

That little gut check changes everything.

4. Stay Curious About What’s Real

Realism isn’t negativity, it’s presence.
Try questions like:

• “What feels hardest about this right now?”

• “What would support look like in this situation?”

• “What’s one thing within your control?”

These questions hold space and inspire movement.

5. Care for the Coach

Empathy without boundaries leads to burnout.
Boundaries without empathy lead to coldness.

Find your middle ground through self-care, community, and spaces where you can lay your own emotional load down. (At Brighter Dream Coaching, that’s part of why I built the Sacred Rest Community, an invite only, soft place to land for coaches, too.)

Because you can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t coach from a closed imagination.

✨ The Brighter Dream Truth

Toxic positivity smiles, but it doesn’t listen.
Real coaching smiles and sighs. It listens, it empathizes, it sits in silence when needed.

I still believe in positivity and I pray I always do. But I’ve learned to see it as an outcome, not a defense.

When we lead with empathy, curiosity, and real listening, positivity stops being a blanket we throw over pain and becomes a light that actually helps people see their next step forward.

Because that’s what coaching really is, not pretending the mountain isn’t steep, but helping someone believe they can climb it and making sure they’ve got the right shoes for the journey.

💖 A Call to Coaches

If you’re a coach (or a healer, helper, or human) who’s ever caught yourself sugarcoating someone’s storm, you’re not alone. We’ve all done it. The work is in noticing, pausing, and choosing something braver: empathy.

Let’s be the kind of coaches who honor the full truth — and build brighter dreams from there.

✍🏾 About C.B. McDonald

C.B. McDonald is the founder of Brighter Dream Coaching, where rest, reflection, and realness meet strategy and growth. Through 1:1 coaching, workshops, and The Sacred Rest Community (an invite-only space for Black women to rest, connect, and dream), C.B. helps people and coaches alike rediscover balance, clarity, and purpose, one soulful conversation at a time.

✨ Learn more or connect with C.B. at brighterdreamcoaching.com

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